


Jo(h)nny

by orphan_account



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, M/M, Social Anxiety, weird obsessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You seriously don’t know how to spell his name, Kaner?” Sharpy asked. “You’ve known this guy for how long?”<br/>“I know how to spell Jonathan,” and Kaner does; he’s watched Jonny spell it out for years now, but that’s not what Kaner calls him mostly. “I mean ‘Jonny.’ How do you spell ‘Jonny’?”<br/>Tazer, who’s been making his uncomfortable face for the last two minutes, just shrugs, “I don’t know. I don’t think about it that much.”<br/>“Okay well…” Kaner breathes, “start thinking about it and let me know.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jo(h)nny

**Author's Note:**

> I fell asleep a lot earlier than usual and somewhere in the middle of the night I woke up and wrote this, I don't remember writing most of it but I definitely remember thinking of it. It depicts Anxiety based on my experiences with it. Hope you enjoy :D  
> Also for some reason I decided that this was before Johnny Gaudreau existed in the NHL.

So Kaner’s never really thought too much about the way Jonny spells his name. He’s always just been Jonny, or Tazer, or JT, or anything that feels right in the moment basically. He’s pretty protective of Jonny’s name actually, thanks to being linked to this guy every possible step of the way since he was 18 years old. It’s always been Toews and Kane, Jonny and Patrick, Tazer and Kaner; they’ve always belonged together.

That’s why he’s _totally not_ overreacting when he’s scrolling through his twitter feed and sees someone who wrote Jonny’s name as “Johnny Toews.”  It gives him such insane whiplash he turns his head to look the few rows back to see that Tazer is still there, almost as if the misspelling of his name could make him disappear somehow.

And like…okay…Kaner knows that Johnny is a perfectly acceptable spelling of the same pronunciation but the fact remains that it’s not _his_ Jonny, therefore, completely and utterly wrong.

He knows right then he’s not going to be able to let this go.

\--------

“You seriously don’t know how to spell his name, Kaner?” Sharpy asked. “You’ve known this guy for how long?”

“I know how to spell _Jonathan_ ,” and Kaner does; he’s watched Jonny spell it out for years now, but that’s not what Kaner calls him mostly. “I mean ‘Jonny.’ How do you spell ‘Jonny’?”

Tazer, who’s been making his uncomfortable face for the last two minutes, just shrugs, “I don’t know. I don’t think about it that much.”

“Okay well…” Kaner breathes, “start thinking about it and let me know."

Kaner will be totally offended if he comes back with a “Johnny” spelling, but he doesn’t want to tear anyone apart on twitter for spelling Jonny’s name the way he wants it to be spelled. He totally would tear someone apart for spelling Jonny’s name wrong on twitter though. That’s totally reasonable.

The weird look that Tazer shoots Sharpy says he totally disagrees with its reasonableness, but Kaner’s not worried because Tazer also doesn’t think things like cleaning up after yourself are reasonable either. Tazer’s almost killed Kaner multiple times by leaving his shit around for Kaner to fall over and die, so he owes him this one thing, the name thing.

\-------

A month later, still no word from Jonny over the spelling of his name, and Kaner thinks now’s a pretty good time to really consider why the name means so much to him anyway. It’s not…like Jonny’s been around forever, it’s not _weird_ that he means so much to Kaner. Anyone can tell that they’re close and that they matter to each other. Kaner knows this.

But there’s something specific about Jonny’s name that just settles him completely.

Kaner’s a pretty nervous person. He’s known that about himself for as long as he can remember. People scare him in this bone deep, straight to the gut type of way that makes him shaky and tired all the time. Talking feels heavy and presses against his brain like some sort of life-destroying growth. And the only thing that ever helped was hockey…until Jonny.

Jonny, who seeks out people, touches them uncontrollably, and lets everyone know they’re worth his time. Jonny, who talks anyone’s head off, even though Kaner somehow got that reputation instead, interested in whatever you have to say even if he’s heard the story before. Jonny, who _loves_ so strongly and deeply that everyone around can’t help but feel steady and sturdy.

They’re balanced; Jonny’s good and he’s…well, anxious.

It’s gotten to the point in the last few years that when Patrick’s head is feeling particularly scrambled and lost, he’ll just say it, “Jonny,” slipping from his mouth as his fingers trace his lips. And it helps, it really does, keeping him on his feet and warming up his shivering insides.

Saying his name gave him something. Calling Jonny up wasn’t always possible, mostly because Kaner hates talking to anyone on the phone that isn’t his mother, but also because if he calls Jonny up he might interrupt something. He doesn’t want to be a burden to anyone, doesn’t want Jonny to think something’s wrong, doesn’t want Jonny to _know_ he misses him. And it’s so stupid because it’ll be dead in the middle of the summer and Jonny will send him small “I miss you” text like it’s nothing. But it’s not nothing, which makes it scarier.

So Patrick says his name instead, because it won’t disturb Jonny, but it feels familiar and comfortable on his lips anyway, kind of how he imagines Jonny himself.

\------

“Jeez Kaner, you’re still hung up about this?” Jonny asked, frowning.

Kaner shrugged. He was, in fact, still hung up about it. “It’s just confusing, man. No one can agree on how to spell your name.”

“Ask my mom then,” Jonny huffs, which…actually isn’t a bad idea.

“Uh…Patrick?” Okay so maybe it would have been an even better idea if he had warned Jonny’s mother he was actually calling.

“Hello,” he said smoothly anyway, “sorry to bother you,” he added because…yeah phones.

“You’re not bothering me at all,” she assured him in that smooth mother’s voice she had, “What’s the problem?”

Patrick almost said something along the lines of, “Does there need to be a problem? I just want to talk,” but this wasn’t actually his mother. It was Jonny’s mother, and he had a very real problem he needed to figure out.

“How do you spell Jonny’s name? Not like Jonathan, but Jonny.”

There’s a long pause that forces Patrick to reflect on what the fuck he is doing right now, because this is borderline ridiculous even for him, but then Andree speaks up anyway, “I always called him Jonathan growing up. It was always his friends that called him Jonny, so I never really considered it. Why do you ask?”

Patrick bit at his lip because how was he supposed to shrug through the phone?

“No real reason, he just told me to ask you because he didn’t know.”

“Well,” Andree said, “sounds like something you need to get to the bottom of.” It wasn’t teasing or mean; it was settling and Kaner knew where Jonny got it from all of a sudden.

“I’m on it,” Kaner said, his voice light, but he meant it. He was goddamn determined now.

\-------

Kaner goes to Sharpy next because regardless of what he says, he’s just as weird about Tazer sometimes as well. Which is why Kaner is shocked and horrified to find out that Sharpy opts for Johnny instead of the completely correct spelling of Jonny.

“What the fuck, Sharpy!” Kaner hisses. “I suppose you prefer Sharpie spelt with an ‘ie’ too.”

Sharpy rolled his eyes, “Most people in the world spell it Johnny, okay? It’s _normal_ ; it makes sense.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Kaner whines. “It doesn’t make sense _at all_ actually.”

Sharpy rubbed at the space between his eyes, “Exactly how does it not make sense, Kaner?”

“There is no ‘h’ anywhere in his name to begin with. You can’t just go dropping letters in all willy-nilly. There are rules to, like, names and shit.”

“Kaner, people put extra letters into nicknames all the time. There’s no ‘y’ in his name either, and you are so insistent that it’s there anyway. And there is an 'h' actually, towards the end of his name.”

Kaner glares at him and presses his fingers against his mouth to keep himself from saying something along the lines of, “I make the rules, shut up Sharpy.”

“Stop sucking on your fingers. You’re an adult,” Sharpy said, knocking his fingers away, “and drop the name thing. Jonny doesn’t care so neither should you.”

And Sharpy’s right, but Kaner already knows he can’t drop it, and that he’s totally going to care until it’s settled, possibly even after that.

\-------

It takes Kaner an embarrassing amount of time to realize that Tazer’s not the only Jo(h)nny in the league and that if even his own mom can’t help well maybe other people with actual experience with the nickname can help him out.

It’s been so long since he called Milan Lucic up. Actually, he’s pretty sure they only have ever texted. Their conversations consist of 70% stats talk, 10% chirping, and 20% pictures of his daughter, which can all be accomplished over text easily. But he has to call Looch for this, because it’s very important.

“Kaner?” Looch sounds cautious which Kaner totally gets because they literally never call each other.

“You’re going to think I’m stupid.”

“Of course I am,” Lucic says without pause, if he didn’t act like such a meathead jock to everyone else, he could be in the same level as Sharpy. Kaner doesn’t tell him that though because he likes the slightly ditzy persona Lucic has. He definitely doesn’t need another Sharpy. One is fine.

“Anyway,” Kaner nearly shouts, to cover up Looch’s words, “You’re friends with Boychuk, right?” he asks.

“Uh…yeah, when we were on the same team he’d have taco night and everything.”

“How did he spell his name? Not last name, but first name.”

“Uh…John?”

“Nickname.”

“Johnny?”

“Yes, that one.”

Lucic sounds reasonably confused but spells out Johnny for him, with the _h_. Kaner makes a disgusted noise and hangs up immediately. He’s not a terrible friend, though, and when Lucic texts him a bunch of question marks he says, “I’m going through a thing,” in return as explanation. And Lucic is also not a terrible friend, so he doesn’t press for more and just says “okay.”

\-------

Kaner goes to Wikipedia to find out that Johnny Boychuk’s real name is John, and John Tavares also is just John. But their birth names have an ‘h’ in it, right after the 'o', which makes sense for them to spell it “Johnny,” but not _his_ Jonny.

His Jonny is just Jonny, and since he can’t talk about it to backstabber Sharpy anymore, he’s been constantly biting at his mouth. He always is biting his mouth anyway, but this is to keep his mouth shut, and it involves tearing the skin off his bottom lip.

Tazer looks at him worriedly and brushes at his chin. “You’re bleeding, Kaner. What are you doing?”

“Nothing” Kaner blurted out, because he’s pretty sure still being obsessed with the way Jonny spells his name goes beyond any sort of normal.

“Okay, well, leave your mouth alone,” and this is totally when Kaner would make a “Wanna kiss it better?” joke, but Tazer is being really serious, like even for him. So Kaner just shuts his mouth and nods.

For the rest of the day he uses his fingers to keep his mouth busy and leaves his lips alone, because Sharpy being disappointed in him is not as bad as Jonny being disappointed in him.

\-------

“You’re still really hung up on this, huh?” Jonny asked, coming out of fucking nowhere and staring down Kaner’s phone where he had been staring at Jonny’s name written out in notes.

Kaner sighed, “No one knows how to spell your name. Does that not bug you?”

Jonny shrugged, “No, not really.” He slid into the seat next to Kaner as the rest of the guys boarded the plane. “It bugs you though, yeah?” like it’s not fucking obvious that it’s been messing with Kaner’s head (off the ice of course. He’s not that stupid).

“I don’t know,” Kaner mutters instead.

Jonny smiles at him softly and rests his hand on Kaner’s thigh for a moment before plugging his ears with headphones and playing some weird Canadian emo music. Kaner feels more relaxed, though, and leans back in his seat, closing his eyes and listening to the muted tones coming from Jonny’s phone.

\------

Getting his own room in the hotel helps Kaner out a lot. When he was younger, he was always trying to make up for the fact that he had this angry black shadow constantly boiling beneath his skin, reminding him about everything that could go wrong. He was always going out to prove to himself and that black shadow that there was nothing wrong with him, socially or otherwise.

Now though, he’s learned that feeding that shadow, giving it what it wants, calms it down enough that he’s allowed to sleep and his heart doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode from his chest. Being alone is nice. It’s what he wants.

But tonight is just not going his way. His stomach is tight and he feels like the collar of his shirt is too tight, but when he takes it off there’s still the ghost of someone’s fingers gripping his neck lingering along his skin.

He can breathe. He knows he can breathe. He feels his chest expanding and contracting in time with the air rushing past his lips. That’s what breathing is, but he feels weak and light-headed, like all the air is going to his stomach instead of his lungs.

It’s…it’s terrible. Kaner feels like he has to puke just to breathe right, just as his fingers tingle and his arms become so weak he almost can’t feel them.

What he’s feeling right now is the essence of pain, deep and aching pain that kills you more and more after every attempt to keep it at bay. And all you can do, all _Kaner_ can do, is curl up in his bed under the covers and hold his arms in front of his mouth to make sure he’s still breathing.

He realizes, belatedly, that he’s saying “Jonny” over and over again into the skin of his forearm, holding it like a kid holds a teddy bear. It’s enough. It has to be enough, because it’s all Kaner has, and soon he’s falling asleep.

\------

When they get back home, there’s a package in front of Kaner’s door. He eyes it warily before picking it up and waltzing into his apartment with it. When he peers at the box he’s surprised to see that it’s from Dan, like Jonny’s Dan, all the way from Winnipeg Dan.

He opens the box up cautiously, not that Dan would send him anything harmful, but Kaner’s not quite sure what else he would be sending him. He’s a cool guy and all but he’s Jonny’s not…not Kaner’s.

Inside the box, on top of packing peanuts is an unmarked envelope that Kaner takes out neatly and shakes until the letter falls out into his palm.

_Yo,_

_Jonny said you’d be interested in this and asked me to send it to you. He also said to check out the very last page where, like, all the signatures are._

_-Dan_

Kaner puts the letter to the side and reaches into the sea of pink Styrofoam and feels something smooth and solid at the bottom that definitely isn’t cardboard. Kaner’s fingers find the sides of it and he tugs it carefully out of the box to keep the mess to a minimum (of course some of the packing peanuts still fall out and roll onto his floor, but he’ll get that later).

It’s leather bound, the name of Jonny’s high school on the front with two dates in gold. It’s definitely a yearbook then.

Kaner never spent a lot of time with his own yearbooks, but this is going to prove to be a lot more exciting than looking at a black and white picture of him with all of his hair.

When he starts flipping through the book it’s obvious he doesn’t actually recognize any of these people but he’s not really looking anyway. He finds Tazer with relative ease and let’s himself giggle at the fact that Tazer was a total nerd and a twig when he was in high school. It makes Kaner feel better about himself, not that it matters, because now Tazer is, like…not a twig and has grown up significantly.

Under the picture it just reads “Jonathan Toews” which is about what Kaner was expecting. Dan told him to look in the back anyway, so that’s where Kaner heads.

Tazer was definitely more popular than him in high school. There are signatures everywhere, filling up almost every single space on the page, and there seem to be two more just as full.

Kaner starts reading them one by one, mostly looking at what the people said about Jonny to see if he was always you know… _his_ Jonny. Also, if anyone says anything embarrassing he can totally use it against him whenever he needs to. There’s nothing wrong with having a little bit of blackmail.

One girl even left a number on the corner of the page and Kaner starts giggling immediately, because oh my god, is this a 50’s sitcom? He saves the number into his phone just in case he needs to reunite old friends and goes back to reading through the messages.

It takes him until he’s at the second page to realize why he was given this. He was so caught up in the actual yearbook he failed to notice that almost every single person who wrote Jonny anything started with writing his name out… _without the h._

“HA!” Kaner shouts and stands from his seat. He totally told Sharpy.

He puts the yearbook down and grabs for Dan’s letter and, yep, he wrote it out “Jonny” too.

Kaner can’t explain why he feels so elated about this.

\-------

On their next road trip Kaner approaches the adjoining door to his and Jonny’s room and unlocks it from his side before knocking on it lightly. Kaner worries at first that Jonny wouldn’t have heard him, but in less than ten seconds tops, there’s a click and the door opens slowly. Kaner smiles warmly because Jonny always hears him.

“Yeah?” Jonny asks. He looks warm and flushed like he just got out of the shower and is ready to get into bed.

“Let me in,” Kaner says, pushing by him easily and climbing onto Jonny’s bed before he even gets an answer. Not that Jonny would have said no anyway.

Jonny doesn’t say anything, just closes the door, goes into the bathroom for a few more seconds before popping back out, shutting off the light and stripping his hoodie and shirt off before he slides into bed.

He blinks at Kaner a few times before he says “Seriously?”

Kaner shrugs, “People have been calling you Jonny your whole life, and they’ve always spelt it without the ‘h,’” he points out, “but you said you didn’t know.”

Jonny shrugs as best as he can lying down. “I didn’t know. Everyone else always just spelt it that way, but I never had a say in it and neither did my parents. There was no…concrete proof behind it. People spell my name however they want, so I can never keep up with it."

Kaner frowns and looks down at the comforter as he picks at it. He never really considered that this would be…not good for Jonny. But he can see how annoying it would be to not have any control over your name. Kaner had been so worried about having Jonny spelt the way he wanted to he never considered if it was what Jonny wanted.

“You can spell it however you want,” Kaner says.

“Yeah” Jonny sighs.

Kaner feels a hand creep under the back of his shirt before tugging on the fabric. “Hey c’mere,” Jonny mutters in a sleepy voice, “get under the covers.”

It’s not the first time they’ve slept in the same bed, but Kaner hesitates a few seconds before Jonny tugs again. He decides climbing under the covers is what he wants anyways, so he might as well. It’s warm under the covers, and he can feel Jonny’s body heat all around him.

Jonny bullies him until Kaner’s positioned just how he wants before Jonny basically drapes himself across Kaner’s body and sighs into his ear, “I think I like it better without the ‘h.’”

Kaner grins and grabs at Jonny’s hand where it’s falling across his waist. “Good” Kaner murmurs back.

There’s a soft, chaste kiss placed behind his ear, a goodnight without words. Because this Jonny, with an “h” or not, will always be his Jonny.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at t-o-ews


End file.
